My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
