i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
