exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
