Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Randomize
