Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
The air taste purple.
Randomize
