If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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