Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
