I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
