I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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