My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I need a beard to bite.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
