you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
