neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
