All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize