that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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