Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
