I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
