"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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