I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
