The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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