this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
