Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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