probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
