I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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