Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
