I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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