If i come over, it means nothing
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
