guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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