OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It's shark week go big or go home
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
