Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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