I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
