So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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