oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
