I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I deserve this hangover.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize