I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
