i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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