No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
