I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
