you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
