youre lurking in front of me
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
