I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
