I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You are the jesus of drinking
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
