There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
