It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Randomize
