My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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