I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize