found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I have post one night stand depression
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