The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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