You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
