Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
