1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Randomize
