apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
