I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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