I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
