Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Nobody cheats on THIS.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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