Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
