So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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