So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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