Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize