You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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